Mysteries and Marvels of Modern Thanksgiving (Day 2)

Today is day 2 of the Mysteries Series (or myster-series, as I like to call it) and Thanksgiving is just as much a misunderstood modern miracle as ever. Today’s question: chosen at random from the several not posted in the comments section below deals with the problem facing many families and college students across the country this time of year.

How do I get home for Thanksgiving?

This is such a good question that it is even subject of the movie “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.” And since this is pretty much the only Thanksgiving classic movie that I can think of at this moment, we will be using it as the basis for this blog and analyzing the pros and cons of each form of travel.

Planes
Pros: You get there faster, and there is always the possibility that you will sit next to the most attractive interesting person in the world and they will fall in love with you. Unfortunately that never really happens in real life. However, there is always the Delta Video Safety girl, who has a certain attractive mystique to her (much like Thanksgiving).

Cons: What does usually happen, though, is that you get stuck between two morbidly obese narcoleptics with a window rattling snoring problem. Which is better than when they are awake and explaining some of their more unusual surgeries and showing you the healing wounds. But as if that weren’t bad enough, the seats are designed for people under 5 feet tall. Your seat will always only recline about 2 inches, while the person in front of you will have a seat that lays down flat and they will do so during the entire flight.

Trains
Pros: They are way cheaper than flying and usually cheaper than driving. You can work, chat, play, or sleep while traveling. And you can even bring your bike. The ride is smooth and everyone just sits around with either their iPods or bluetooths (blueteeth?) in their ears.

Cons: Trains are even more mysterious that Thanksgiving. What the heck do they run on? I know that it used to be coal and steam but I don’t think that’s true anymore. What powers them now? Rainbows and dreams? Soylent Green? Could be anything, that’s why I don’t trust them. Also they can be slow (stopping every 10 minutes to allow another 150 homeless men to get on and try to pee in corner before getting yelled at).

Automobiles
Pros: They go where you want to go, when you want to go, and with whatever you want on the radio. As a passenger you can sleep or play games involving license plates and all 23 states that you can actually remember. It is pretty cheap and can fit in most garages, unlike both the train and standard airplane.

Cons: Driving gets boring, there’s never anything good on the radio and everyone gets cranky and starts to smell funny about half an hour into the trip.

So what is the solution then? Riding a bike. For those of you who read my funnier blog, you’ll note that I’ve recently taken up cycling and as one who has been riding more and more I would say that the only con is the fact that often times people stop you to ask you if you could marry their daughters because of your cycling sexiness.

So hop on and start pedaling for grandma’s. By the time you get there, you will have quite the appetite (enough to even actually try the yams this year) and you’ll still lose weight. Plus the exercise will get your blood flowing and give you time to ask more questions in the comments section below.

Mysteries and Marvels of Modern Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving; one of the most mysterious times of the year. Why do we eat turkey? Just how old do you have to be to get to sit at the grown up table? And, why would anyone, even a godless hippie vegetarian want to eat something called a Tofurkey (Tofu turkey)?

That's why each day leading up to Thanksgiving, we here at the Chimes will be answering your questions. Each day will feature a question that was either made up or selected from the comments selection below.

Question of the Day:

Women? Explain.

An excellent question and one that we get every single Thanksgiving, but up until recently scientists have hypothesized that it might be unanswerable. But due to modern breakthroughs in 3D technology we now know it to be fact that the question is unanswerable.

For instance, if a standard male were to sit around the table this Thanksgiving and tell a story to the female on his right, she might find it humorous and witty. The same male could tell the same story in the same way to the person on his left and she find it completely offensive and degrading to women (despite the fact that it is a story about how you accidentally handcuffed yourself to the neighbor's dog). What makes it even more confusing is the fact that it could be the same woman just at different times during the dinner and she could think that you're cute, or smack your mouth.

There are two approaches to dealing with this. The first is to just learn to read your audience. You get to know that person really well and anticipate their reactions and moods even when they themselves don't know what its going to be. This approach is also known as "getting married." The obvious problem with this method is that it is extremely time consuming and only even partially effective with one female. This is why men only marry one woman at a time. Any more than that and there is just no point in trying.

The second approach is the one that most men use during the holidays. Even the married men must resort to this method when faced with multiple females at once such as what occurs at the dinner table. This is called the "football approach." Some of the more keenly observant females may have noticed that football was not typically played on Thursdays, yet there always seems to be a game/games on Thanksgiving day. This is a guy tactic that was developed by group of guys who needed someplace to go to hide from potentially explosive situations such as conversations. Even now, as women are reading this, some of them are nodding their heads in agreement, while others are gnashing their teeth in rage at this misogynistic offense.

So in order to sum up, I would suggest that this Thanksgiving, you either get married or join a fantasy football league. But before you decide which, I would like to remind you that whichever you pick, the season only lasts until January.

Until tomorrow, keep those comments posted below.

Lights, Libby Lu, and Licence Plates

Why is the Chimes doing a special Automobile edition? Because Los Angeles has a “culture of cars.” It has been even more congested on the freeways since the housing crisis, because now that people can’t afford homes they just leave work and drive around until it’s time to go back.

I have to admit that I spend a lot of time in my car as well. And that’s why I am excited about the way in which my car has been getting into the holiday spirit by decorating its own dashboard with a festive array of lights. This year it is featuring an impressive display of “check engine, check oil, and gas lights. I sometimes leave my seatbelt off and turn on the turn signal just so I can have enough light to read a road map by at night. While I personally prefer a “check engine” free Christmas, I’m not one to stand in the way of a little Yuletide cheer. I’m just thankful there aren’t any “car needs washed” or “do your homework” lights otherwise I wouldn’t be able to see the road.

But when it comes to the automobile industry there are few topics as interesting to me as my own car. Or more specifically, how it will affect my ability to pick up chicks. So I decided to conduct a little research. The first and only stop the research train made was at cartalk.com. For those of you unfamiliar with the brilliantly funny NPR radio show, two mechanics who happen to be brothers have a weekly radio program where anyone can call them up with a car related problem. Due to the humorous nature of the show, the calls range from “what does it mean when my car sounds like reewowreewow?”, to “how do I keep my wife from putting 9,000 extra dangly things on her keychain when she only has two keys?”

But more importantly they had rankings on the top 10 gay guy cars and top 5 chick cars. Unfortunately my car ranked in both. In the gay category it was #9 with the caption “no need to slap a rainbow sticker on that baby. The car did all the talking for me.” And in the chick car category, my poor little Cabrio was a #2. “All teen-age girls classify them as cute. 'Nuff said." Apparently I’m not exactly on the highway to the danger zone, like I previously thought. That's the last time I'll ever buy a car at Libby Lu's.

Fortunately they also had automobile pick up lines so I could redeem myself. My favorite was: “Do you believe in love at first sight? If not, would you mind waiting here while I drive around the block?”

Anyways, the light is about to turn green and its almost time for me to go back to work. Plus I think that gas light isn’t kidding around this time.

Recently several of the editors of The Chimes were subjected to a practical joke or “prank,” if you will. There one little tree had the bejeebus TPed out of it. Since it was not real news, (it was just TP) they posted the pictures on their house blog rather than the Chimes Online.

While pranks can be fun and entertaining (as well as illegal, harmful, and funny), there is definitely an art to the practical joke. Many people are content to start off at the beginner level. Performing pranks that have been around and are established in their success rate. Toilet papering, saran wrapping, or poking 2000 plastic forks into somebody’s front yard are all examples of these. But these are the paint by numbers equivalent in this art. A real artist creates. So in the interest of funding the arts, I have decided to promote a prank contest.

This contest will be for the best prank that occurs between now and midnight Dec 1st. A winner will be chosen and notified on the second and receive the prize of entrance into Disneyland for themselves and two guests. The rules are as follows:

1. Must be an original prank. No toilet papering, etc. I should not be able to find it on the internet. If it is a variation of an existing style of prank it should be nationally recognized (for instance, if it is a prank wikipedia page it should make the silliness page or be mentioned in a respected form of journalism. I myself have changed the plural of platypus from platypuses to platypi based on a popular vote of people in the room of what they thought it should be (it lasted 6 days) and created a bogus page on the subject of student debt which only lasted 8 hours. Neither of which would have been qualified since they did not receive national recognition.
2. No illegal activities. All university rules and laws must be observed. (However you get bonus points if they make up new rules as a result, huge bonus points if they name the rule after you or the prank).
3. No harm (physical or emotional) must come to the victims.

It will be judged on the following criteria:
1. Creativity
2. Funniness
3. Efficiency vs Results. If a prank takes a lot of work to pull off and isn’t that funny, then it wasn’t a good prank. For instance, saran wrapping someone’s car takes a while to do, but only takes about 30 seconds to remove. Pranks of this nature will be disqualified.
4. Proof must be submitted, preferably via pictures or video.

You may submit the proof to james.browning@gmail.com
Happy pranking!

The Real RocknRolla'

There are high points in life, and then there are “looking down from the space shuttle” moments. Saturday night was better than both of those.

My whole life I have pursued the dream of being a rockstar. And by “pursued the dream” I mean pursuing dreaming more than pursuing learning to play an actual instrument. Like so many other slacker musicians before me, I have hinged my hopes of stardom on things just working out.

This Saturday that more or less happened. One of my many “talents” that don’t really involve talent is playing the Jew’s Harp (also known as the Jaw Harp or the Mouth Harp). Since this particular instrument involves about as much skill as a kazoo I didn’t really need to do the work that many other rock stars put in to achieve their success. While it’s true that isn’t what many people view as a “classical instrument” it now has its place in the pantheon of totally sexcellent rock & roll tools of musical awesomeness.

My friend CJ Casciotta works for a website called conversantlife.com and specifically works for a segment called undiscovered in which they feature new artists. This Saturday was their first concert and CJ opened for two other acts. CJ did a great job but pretty much the height of awesomeness was reached when he called me up to play “Bear Necessities” from the Jungle Book.

Now, some musicians prefer to practice before they go on stage. Almost all of them would like to know what they are playing before they go on stage. But that isn’t really part of being a rockstar without actually doing any work. What is however, is learning to be untalented and unpracticed but still have people like you anyways, much like Fergie and nearly every country singer in the last 20 years.

Fortunately I was uncharacteristically well-dressed that particular evening, the lighting was dim, and alcohol was being served; a recipe for the making of a future pop icon. Hopefully next time I'll have some groupies (other than the Chimes editorial staff).

Let's Vote Again!

Now that the elections are over we can return to normal. McCain, Palin, and Tina Fey can all finally go back to their day jobs. And as the Chimes oldest living writer, I can sit back and reflect on this year's election (before I forget what I was writing about).

I’ve voted in 3 US elections and was an international observer for1 Guatemalan presidential election. And through it all I’ve made a few observations.

1. We live in a great country. There weren’t nearly as many candidates assassinated in our election as there was in the Guatemalan (although they did have more exciting riots than our wimpy little protests).
2. The US election has consistently and accurately been predicted by the 7-eleven (a Japanese owned company) coffee cup voting system
3. CNN’s hologram interviews + a black president = The arrival of a bright new future were anything is possible and anyone can be president except for women or the elderly.

In addition to these observations, I have also conducted a few informal exit polls. For instance 4 years ago, it was election day in astronomy class at Kent State University in Kent, Ohio. And even though our prof tried to subdue the mood, everybody was still wound up. Some kid took a poll by show of hands how many people voted for each candidate. Bush won but both God and Ronald Reagan received strong showings in our class. (its a pretty diverse class).

This year, however, I was working at a Christian elementary school where all the students had the chance to vote in their own mock election. 87% of kindergartners voted for Obama, However, 80% of 1st graders voted for McCain (apparently they place a higher value on age and experience rather than the youth and energy that attracted the 5 year-olds). When discussing the election with the second graders, they asked me who I voted for, I told them that I had voted for Graham (one of the second graders). Madison then informed me that I should have voted for her because “I know what 16+16 is… it’s 32!” Graham quickly retaliated with “Oh yeah? Well I know what 60 divided by 3 is… its 20! WORD!” Madison quietly conceded and I knew that I had made the right choice to lead our nation for the next 4 years.

So as the party begins to wind down, let’s all sit back and reflect on what a great ride it was. And remember, whether your candidate won or lost, we should all be thankful that we aren’t godless communists or Canadians. Heaven forbid either one of them should gets their hands on CNN’s hologram technology, All that stands between us and the end of the world as we know it is Wolf Blitzer’s beard.