Chimes Official Gift Guide

Well it is officially Christmas Eve which means it is probably time to start shopping for the people most important to you in your life. People like your grandmother, who has had her shopping done since August and even taken some of the clothes back and gotten updated sizes for your little cousins.

I realize that many of you have probably been waiting for the official Chimes Blog Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide. Well its finally here, better late than never, which is probably your motto as well if you’re just now getting out there.

Last minute shopping can be quite the adventure, and that’s why this particular blog is a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style blog. Actually this could be the first CYOA blog in the history of the internet, maybe even the universe. Let’s get started.

Proceed to #1

#1

The first step in any kind of gift buying guide is to determine where to shop. And the best way to determine where to shop is. And the best way to determine that is to determine where you live. This is probably the most important step in the guide and can change everything. So…

If you live in the Midwest, Northeast, Northwest, Mountain area, Great Lakes Region, Tri-county area, or down by the river, then go to #7

If you live outside of the United States, go to #9

If you live in one or both of the two remaining states, then proceed to #5

#2

So you’re a little tight this year. Who isn’t? The recession has hit many of us, and as it turns out people want presents for Christmas EVERY year. Fortunately there are all kinds of inexpensive ideas and suggestions for those who are on a budget this year.

I personally will be giving my sister one of the gifts from Facebook. Not the ones that you pay for, but rather one from the free gift applications. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift that will probably be accidentally deleted with all the other application requests.

But perhaps the person that you have in mind isn’t a member of the online social network community. Clearly they are living an Amish lifestyle and would like to be gifted as such. So that’s where I take the more civic minded approach. With the recent landslide in favor of the Democrats, I couldn’t help but notice that socialist leanings are en vogue this year. Which means that the good tax payers of your state wouldn’t mind it if you went on down to a neighboring county’s public library and checked out all the books on your friends’ and family’s Christmas list, and then never went back to that county. Or if you are feeling a little guilty about that then you can do it in your own county where you pay taxes and can morally semi-justify stealing books that your tax dollars paid for.

But if morals and ethics aren’t your thing, you can always take this time while far away from the legalistic reaches of the school network and illegally download all the music and movies that you could ever want. Plus you might even get a few free Christmas viruses thrown in as a bonus. But hey, you get what you pay for, and your recipients should be thankful that they got anything at all. Next year you’ll probably be in jail anyways, so they should enjoy it now.

#3

#3

Now that you’ve managed to determine if you happen to contracted to this person under familial obligations, it’s time to ask the last and most important question in understanding the nature of your prospective Holiday victim; are they a boy or a girl.

You might think that this is too obvious to even mention, but I’m pretty sure that if you get any gifts this year that you don’t like it will be because of an infraction of one of the various forms of this rule. Whether its from giver who got you something that they wanted, or from a guy who has never been in another store that didn’t have a name ending in “Electronics” or “Sports,” or the girl who thought that knitting a reindeer gear shift cover for your truck was a “cute idea,” someone you know will fall victim to this on Christmas day.

So consult your family physician or sit patiently outside the restrooms, but do whatever you have to do to find out the correct answer. Once you do, and the screaming has died down, then we can move on…

If they didn’t wash their hands coming out of the restroom (male) go to #4

If they are completely offended at everything I just wrote and are busy saying “I am NOT like that” (female) go to #11

#4

Guys, as a general rule, are the less complicated of the species. They require more food but less care and time. But despite being far simpler in tastes they have somehow managed to remain a mystery to many shoppers of the opposite gender. So in an effort to reach women where they are in assisting them to shop for guys, I have invented a magazine style quiz in order to determine whether or not the gift you have in mind is right for your man.

1. Was the gift designed by:
a. An engineer b. An artist
2. Is the main purpose of the gift:
a. To be useful, eaten, or played with b. to be scented
3. The commercial advertising this product featured:
a. Cheerleaders on motorcycles and William Shatner b. A narrator who whispered the whole time

If you answered B to any of these, then the item in question is not for a man. However, if the answer was A then you’re in luck and you have successfully found an excellent Christmas gift. The best part is, you’re pretty much done. You don’t even have to spend time wrapping it because he could care less about the wrapping paper. It’s not that he hates it, he just doesn’t even notice it. So don’t worry that he didn’t save the good paper on any of his gifts for next year, you could hand it to him still in the bag and he’d be just as content. Merry Christmas to all.

#5

I don’t know if you have heard about this hedge fund scandal going on in the news lately, but it’s kind of a big deal. Apparently the former chairman of the NASDAQ swindled investors out of $50 Billion (with a capitol B) in what basically amounts to a pyramid scheme. $50 Billion! How is it that some of the richest men in the world fell for a fraud that my email routinely filters out as spam? He wasn’t swindling little old ladies who couldn’t read the fine print, we’re talking the Bank of Spain.

But on the other hand, I can’t really say a whole lot. The bulk of my investment portfolio is still mainly baseball cards. And you do have to hand it to the guy, he swindled people out of an obscene amount of money. I can’t even say $50 Billion without giggling. It is the biggest fraud in the history of the universe. This guys is definitely getting some kind of law or legislature named after him.

All this to say that there are 3 different types of budgets out there. Guys who make incomes starting with capitol letters, the people who used to have money until they met guys whose incomes start with capitol letters, and then there are the people in the middle. And by the middle I mean a lot closer to the latter rather than the former. You must decide how much purchasing power (measured in units of how many Nintendo Wiis you can put under the tree).

If you are probably going to buy your little brother a used game this year, go to #10

If you are Nintendo, go to #6 for the ultimate gift

If you can’t even afford to wrap somebody else’s Wii, go to #2

#7

The founding fathers, who had to walk to school uphill both ways through 6’ of snow during the winters, did not believe that any sane person would actually want to go shopping during December. It is for that reason when George Washington and his son George Washington Carver invented the mall parking lot, they only designed it with approximately 27 spaces in them just wide enough to park your horse in.

In addition to the lack of parking, the weather is kind of ridiculous. Odds are, you are dealing with cold wet snowy rainy blizzardy cloudy weather unless you are currently reading this from Brazil. I highly recommend as your Official Chimes Gift Guide person that you just go back to bed. Its just too cold, wait till June.

No Christmas for you this year.

#8

Relatives are the ideal giftees. Possibly because they are traditionally willing to forgive you for whatever tacky gift you may have bought. Wal-Mart was built upon gifts for relatives, but heaven help the young man that purchases his girlfriend’s gift from the commercial giant. He will suddenly find himself with a shorter list of people to shop for next year. (See also #11)

But the real benefit of shopping for relatives is the fact that you can have other relatives cover for you. As I once mentioned in a Mother’s day piece, I usually call up my sister, and discuss what would be best to get a given relative. Whatever she suggests is fine with me, I tell her that I’ll pay her back later, and then have her sign my name below hers on the card. But this year since I’ll be home for Christmas, I’ll probably sign my own name on the card, above hers so it looks like the whole card thing was my idea.

This rule only applies to relatives that didn’t spring from your own personal loins. If you do happen to be morally and physically responsible for their existence then rest assured, you cannot possibly make them happy no matter how much money you spend. Unless of course, you happen to package the gift in a large cardboard box. This will afford you approximately 45 minutes of Christmas afternoon nap time.

#10

After determining that you are not rich enough to purchase a diamond mine, nor sufficiently impoverished enough be the subject of an emotional Christmas song, we must take a long hard look at those on your list. We will start with the broad categories and then narrow it down.

First of all, are you related to the person on your list? This can be sometimes be difficult to determine, but it is a very important question and one that should be addressed especially in the midst of so much mistletoe and alcoholic eggnog. And physical resemblances (or the lack thereof) cannot always be trusted. But I’ve found that there is always one member of the family who can be counted on to know exactly how each member of the family is related to each of the other members. This person is your best bet. However, they don’t even just tell you if a specific person is your relative. They give you the entire genealogy of all of them and how they are connected all they back to Moses and Abraham. So in order to answer this question you should probably start in September.

If you would have to include them in the history of mental or other illness section of your medical history form (related), go to #8

If you are not related, go to #3

#11

Women are the whole reason that we even have to have a gift guide. In their defense, this is probably because they set the bar so high in several key Christmas gift buying categories; time spent thinking about it, time spent shopping, time spent wrapping. Men lead only in the “time spent forgetting that Christmas is in December this year” category.

There are 3 main things to remember in purchasing a gift for the females in your life.
1. Cost
2. Thoughtfulness
3. Decorativeness

You might be tricked into thinking that someone who spent all that time and effort in purchasing a gift would be understanding of those who try and fail, but apparently the opposite is true. Not only that but you have to factor in the conflicting ecosystem that is woman. For instance the differences between the way that they shop for themselves and the way that they shop for others. This is one of the conundrums about women. They like to brag about what a deal they got on their most recent purchase and how they found the same fashion accessory that they saw at a more expensive department store for $400.79 at Wal-Mart for only $.35. But if you have the choice between the two for a Christmas gift, go with the more expensive one every time. Not only will she know when you bought the cheaper one, but she let you know that she knows.

Also gift cards don’t work either. Sure they allow her the satisfaction and the thrill of the hunt that women look for in a good shopping experience. And they avoid the pitfalls of getting something that might be read into in the wrong way (like the blender in the movie The Father of the Bride). But they are missing ingredient #2 which is thoughtfulness. She spent weeks thinking about that sweatshirt with your favorite team logo that she bought you and the 45 seconds that you spent looking for something in the $10 range in the gift card rack at the grocery store isn’t going to cut it.

So the safest bet is a candle that matches a room in the house. Unbeknownst to many men, while they were watching The Game on tv, their wives went and decorated many of the rooms in the house with Themes. I once lived in my house for 2 years without realizing that my mom had an apple theme in the kitchen. To notice a woman’s theme is like asking if she lost weight. And to be able to make a purchase that compliments that theme, is even better. So when you add in the inexplicable costliness of candles, the noticing (i.e. thoughtfulness) of finding one that matches, and the raw decorativeness (uselessness) of a candle, you have the perfect gift.

Not counting diamonds of course. Shiny and expensive wins every time.

If You're Reading This Blog It Must Be Finals Week

I have some bad news, it seems that finals week has come once again. This is the annual event that comes just before times of great joy and freedom. Its kind of like the last mile in a marathon, only in this case the last mile is through a river of lava full of piranhas.

Much like a recession, the term “finals week” is kind of loosely defined. There are, however, a few methods for determining whether or not we have cause to panic. Take this simple quiz to find out if your school is currently in the middle of “finals week”

1. Go to your nearest school library. Stand in the middle and pull out your cell phone. Now proceed to call every single non-family member in your phonebook. If it really is finals week, you will hear the corresponding ring of 85% of your contact list coming from somewhere in the library.
2. Coffee prices at the local watering hole have gone up like gas on memorial day.
3. Your study group actually talks about the class for once.
4. Your syllabus says “Finals Week.”
5. You are so desperate for distraction that you start reading blogs.

Check and check. It may be finals week, but that’s no reason to get down. Finals week, much like puberty, is an important part of growing up. Sure, you’re going to want to burn every picture taken during this time of life, and you’re probably going to wind up with a nickname that you hope your children will never find out about. But just imagine a world without finals for a moment. A world where we can just forget about our responsibilities and where all your friends are always around. It would be the most wonderful place ever.

But the fact is, we don’t live in that magical world of make-believe. We live in a world that was built and forged by kids who not only took finals, but studied for them as well. Would we have such great inventions as the wheel, baseball, or chocolate if people hadn’t studied hard at college and aced their finals? I don’t know I didn’t bother to look them up.

I predict a future beyond our imaginations as a result of this year’s finals. A future with hover bikes, and entire towns dedicated to the study of the stars called “universe-cities.” But mostly I’m just waiting for new breakthroughs in robotic research in which scientists invent robots that will take my stupid finals for me.

The Site Meter Blues

Often times writers are thought of as lonely, insecure, losers who are too socially awkward to hold down jobs in occupations that require interaction with other human beings. While we may never know if that is true or not (the writers won’t look us in the eye to confirm or deny this), I think we can all agree that bloggers certainly do fit that description, except they are paler with vacant eyes and carpal tunnel caused by caffeine shakes.

All that to say that many bloggers long for approval and love. And it is that desperate cry for attention that was the reasoning behind the invention of the site meter. Site meters, the online equivalent of class president elections, are an accurate and unbiased way of measuring your worth as a human being. Some bloggers have millions of hits, or “love clicks,” a month registered on their site meters. While others such as myself just have one or two from their editor checking to see if the blog is still there.

My editor is always coming up with new ways to improve the blog. lately she has been on me to change the color. But to be honest that’s kind of like repainting your living room to get more guests to come to a home that nobody knows about. So I figured letting her put the site meter on would be a painless and work free change that would satisfy her.

Site meters are interesting in the aspect that they are kind of like reverse stalking. You can not only see how many people are viewing your page but also how long they were reading it, where they are from, and the referring page that brought them there.

For instance if you were to click on the site meter icon on the right at the bottom of this page you would notice around 110ish (at the time of this writing) hits. Once there you can look at the location of those hits and what they were doing online. For instance, visitor #102 is from Lexington, KY and they found the site because they googled the search words “seat belt chimes is gay.” Similarly visitor #109 googled the phrase “platypus car chimes.” In this manner we get visitors from all over the globe, like Kenya, China, and France accidentally arriving at this blog.

But what you don’t see a lot of is google searches for “best site in the world,” or “excellence in writing” or even “James Browning.” I did recently discover that my friend, CJ Casciotta found the page while googling his own name because of an article where I mentioned his concert.

While the site meter may at first appear to be interesting, the novelty soon wears off when you realize that nobody reads your blog and those that do aren’t doing it on purpose. It’s kind of like in Jr. High, when you somehow stumble across the diary of that person that you have a huge and potentially fatal crush on. You open it up and read only to find that they are not into you at all. Not only that but those times of interaction with you that meant so much… they just wanted to know more about platypus car chimes.

So even some may find all of this discouraging, I have learned to live with the knowledge that I personally know all 3 of my readers and that my mother isn't one of them. In a way this frees me up to do whatever I want, like make some of these links go to random places just because I know nobody is checking them.

This Year's Scroogies Nominations

The holidays now have us surrounded and it is clearly time to just give up and get our Christmas on. So what is the best way to promote the spirit of the season? By pointing out and judging those who aren’t. Kind of a “What would Santa do” approach.

So first of all, let’s take a look at Scrooge’s own industry; banking. The FDIC [Federal District In Charge of banks (kind of)] has recently finished a study in which they found that banks are targeting the young and the poor (i.e. college students). According to USA Today, “Large banks are more likely to process transactions from largest to smallest dollar amount, often triggering more fees.” The banks made nearly $17.5 billion in overdraft related fees last year. Do you know how many turkeys that could buy for Tiny Tim? Seven, probably.

But large faceless financial corporations are the only ones drinking spoiled eggnog this year. Large websites are getting a little cranky as well. Facebook recently deleted Lindsey Lohan’s account because they thought she was a fake. Fortunately Lindsey still had her Myspace to fall back on. But this brings some interesting existential questions. Just who is Facebook to decide who the REAL Lindsey is? Am I the real Lindsey Lohan? And can I be friends with Lindsey? And most importantly, does anyone other than indie bands still really use Myspace?

But worst of all would be a federal judge who recently said that releasing thousands of California prisoners may be the only way to alleviate the overcrowding which according to the inmates lawyer (Lex Luther), leads to “medical neglect and malfeasance.” What has happened to our penal system that our prisoners are suffering from malfeasance? What is malfeasance? Obviously we need to act quickly before this judge releases an army of super villains, apparently infected with malfeasance, into the population of California. And if we’ve learned anything from Batman, this can only mean trouble.

Fortunately not everyone has given up on the Christmas spirit. My neighbor recently installed a Christmas display so tacky it could be considered vandalism and when he asked me if I liked it, I heard little Cindy Lou Who’s voice inside me and I said, “Yes, it looks wonderful. I especially like the moving reindeer that has almost all of lights working.”

So if there is a lesson that we take away from all this, it would be that we should never judge someone based on their Facebook profile. And while maybe sending thousands of criminals home early for Christmas might seem like a good idea it almost always leads to a Legion of Super-Villains. Somebody should make that into a Christmas claymation special. But most of all we’ve learned that we should get our flu shots and wash our hands. Apparently malfeasance is really going around this year.


If you have anyone that you would like to nominate for the Scroogies this year, feel free to post your nomination and reason why in the comments suggestion below.

A Case of the Cyber Mondays

Guess what day it is today… yup, that’s right it’s Cyber Monday! “Already!” you say. Yes, Cyber Monday has come once again this year and just in time, it seems to save us all from recession an the threat of dying underfoot at a Wal-Mart. For those of you who don’t know what Cyber Monday is allow me to explain. And I’ll try to explain in a way in which you’ll understand because you are clearly either 1,000 years old or Amish: Cyber Monday is ye olde shopping day that transpires on the Monday following Black Friday (ye olde shopping day that transpires Thanksgiving). Cyber Monday tis the most wonderous online shopping day of the year in which many shopkeeps collectively assemble and discount their wares, much to the joy of shoppers around the county and state.

Basically Cyber Monday is a holiday for people for whom materialism really is the reason for the season. Let’s not take that away from them. Finally we can stop pretending that we enjoy spending time with family and just sit alone in our basements, buy their presents, and ship it to them without ever needing to see the light of day.

“What’s so great about Cyber Monday?” you ask. It is a magical time of year for many reasons. First of all it is done all online, which means it is traditionally celebrated by the men, women, and students who all return to the workplace or school following the Thanksgiving holiday and don’t feel like doing any work yet so they finish up their shopping online. “But didn’t they get all their shopping done on Black Friday?” No, they didn’t because unlike Cyber Monday, on Black Friday you have to wait in line for 5 hours just to get into the store! Not only do you not have to deal with the lines, but you also don’t have to deal with parking, trampling, drunk driving charges, and shootings that have become the popular means of celebrating Black Friday in the past couple of years. Best of all you are using your credit card so its like its not even real money. You can spend as much as you want!

“So how can I celebrate Cyber Monday?” Another excellent question. You may have already been thinking of particular stores or websites that have what you’re looking for. But what about all the vitally important things that you need that you didn’t even know existed, like robotic pet chickens that respond to your touch? Well fortunately retailers have gotten together and formed www.cybermonday.com, featuring many of the participating retailers and as if that weren’t enough, they have a “deals of the hour” section that highlight that particular hour’s super deep discounts. It truly is a Cyber Monday miracle.

But just like that kid in the back of the bus who told you that Santa doesn’t exist, there are those would bring their gloom and general scrooginess to Cyber Monday as well. When someone says, “Cyber Monday” is just a made up “Hallmark Holiday” and isn’t real.” You just tell them what my mother told me, “If you don’t believe in the Cyber Monday Fairy, she won’t believe in you.” And remember, not every Grinch is going to be converted.

So for those of you who have caught the holiday fever, stop reading this blog and start shopping. It’s just about time for the new hourly specials at cybermonday.com. Merry Cyber Monday, and to all a good night.