Mysteries and Marvels of Modern Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving; one of the most mysterious times of the year. Why do we eat turkey? Just how old do you have to be to get to sit at the grown up table? And, why would anyone, even a godless hippie vegetarian want to eat something called a Tofurkey (Tofu turkey)?

That's why each day leading up to Thanksgiving, we here at the Chimes will be answering your questions. Each day will feature a question that was either made up or selected from the comments selection below.

Question of the Day:

Women? Explain.

An excellent question and one that we get every single Thanksgiving, but up until recently scientists have hypothesized that it might be unanswerable. But due to modern breakthroughs in 3D technology we now know it to be fact that the question is unanswerable.

For instance, if a standard male were to sit around the table this Thanksgiving and tell a story to the female on his right, she might find it humorous and witty. The same male could tell the same story in the same way to the person on his left and she find it completely offensive and degrading to women (despite the fact that it is a story about how you accidentally handcuffed yourself to the neighbor's dog). What makes it even more confusing is the fact that it could be the same woman just at different times during the dinner and she could think that you're cute, or smack your mouth.

There are two approaches to dealing with this. The first is to just learn to read your audience. You get to know that person really well and anticipate their reactions and moods even when they themselves don't know what its going to be. This approach is also known as "getting married." The obvious problem with this method is that it is extremely time consuming and only even partially effective with one female. This is why men only marry one woman at a time. Any more than that and there is just no point in trying.

The second approach is the one that most men use during the holidays. Even the married men must resort to this method when faced with multiple females at once such as what occurs at the dinner table. This is called the "football approach." Some of the more keenly observant females may have noticed that football was not typically played on Thursdays, yet there always seems to be a game/games on Thanksgiving day. This is a guy tactic that was developed by group of guys who needed someplace to go to hide from potentially explosive situations such as conversations. Even now, as women are reading this, some of them are nodding their heads in agreement, while others are gnashing their teeth in rage at this misogynistic offense.

So in order to sum up, I would suggest that this Thanksgiving, you either get married or join a fantasy football league. But before you decide which, I would like to remind you that whichever you pick, the season only lasts until January.

Until tomorrow, keep those comments posted below.