#8

Relatives are the ideal giftees. Possibly because they are traditionally willing to forgive you for whatever tacky gift you may have bought. Wal-Mart was built upon gifts for relatives, but heaven help the young man that purchases his girlfriend’s gift from the commercial giant. He will suddenly find himself with a shorter list of people to shop for next year. (See also #11)

But the real benefit of shopping for relatives is the fact that you can have other relatives cover for you. As I once mentioned in a Mother’s day piece, I usually call up my sister, and discuss what would be best to get a given relative. Whatever she suggests is fine with me, I tell her that I’ll pay her back later, and then have her sign my name below hers on the card. But this year since I’ll be home for Christmas, I’ll probably sign my own name on the card, above hers so it looks like the whole card thing was my idea.

This rule only applies to relatives that didn’t spring from your own personal loins. If you do happen to be morally and physically responsible for their existence then rest assured, you cannot possibly make them happy no matter how much money you spend. Unless of course, you happen to package the gift in a large cardboard box. This will afford you approximately 45 minutes of Christmas afternoon nap time.

#10

After determining that you are not rich enough to purchase a diamond mine, nor sufficiently impoverished enough be the subject of an emotional Christmas song, we must take a long hard look at those on your list. We will start with the broad categories and then narrow it down.

First of all, are you related to the person on your list? This can be sometimes be difficult to determine, but it is a very important question and one that should be addressed especially in the midst of so much mistletoe and alcoholic eggnog. And physical resemblances (or the lack thereof) cannot always be trusted. But I’ve found that there is always one member of the family who can be counted on to know exactly how each member of the family is related to each of the other members. This person is your best bet. However, they don’t even just tell you if a specific person is your relative. They give you the entire genealogy of all of them and how they are connected all they back to Moses and Abraham. So in order to answer this question you should probably start in September.

If you would have to include them in the history of mental or other illness section of your medical history form (related), go to #8

If you are not related, go to #3