#3

#3

Now that you’ve managed to determine if you happen to contracted to this person under familial obligations, it’s time to ask the last and most important question in understanding the nature of your prospective Holiday victim; are they a boy or a girl.

You might think that this is too obvious to even mention, but I’m pretty sure that if you get any gifts this year that you don’t like it will be because of an infraction of one of the various forms of this rule. Whether its from giver who got you something that they wanted, or from a guy who has never been in another store that didn’t have a name ending in “Electronics” or “Sports,” or the girl who thought that knitting a reindeer gear shift cover for your truck was a “cute idea,” someone you know will fall victim to this on Christmas day.

So consult your family physician or sit patiently outside the restrooms, but do whatever you have to do to find out the correct answer. Once you do, and the screaming has died down, then we can move on…

If they didn’t wash their hands coming out of the restroom (male) go to #4

If they are completely offended at everything I just wrote and are busy saying “I am NOT like that” (female) go to #11

#11

Women are the whole reason that we even have to have a gift guide. In their defense, this is probably because they set the bar so high in several key Christmas gift buying categories; time spent thinking about it, time spent shopping, time spent wrapping. Men lead only in the “time spent forgetting that Christmas is in December this year” category.

There are 3 main things to remember in purchasing a gift for the females in your life.
1. Cost
2. Thoughtfulness
3. Decorativeness

You might be tricked into thinking that someone who spent all that time and effort in purchasing a gift would be understanding of those who try and fail, but apparently the opposite is true. Not only that but you have to factor in the conflicting ecosystem that is woman. For instance the differences between the way that they shop for themselves and the way that they shop for others. This is one of the conundrums about women. They like to brag about what a deal they got on their most recent purchase and how they found the same fashion accessory that they saw at a more expensive department store for $400.79 at Wal-Mart for only $.35. But if you have the choice between the two for a Christmas gift, go with the more expensive one every time. Not only will she know when you bought the cheaper one, but she let you know that she knows.

Also gift cards don’t work either. Sure they allow her the satisfaction and the thrill of the hunt that women look for in a good shopping experience. And they avoid the pitfalls of getting something that might be read into in the wrong way (like the blender in the movie The Father of the Bride). But they are missing ingredient #2 which is thoughtfulness. She spent weeks thinking about that sweatshirt with your favorite team logo that she bought you and the 45 seconds that you spent looking for something in the $10 range in the gift card rack at the grocery store isn’t going to cut it.

So the safest bet is a candle that matches a room in the house. Unbeknownst to many men, while they were watching The Game on tv, their wives went and decorated many of the rooms in the house with Themes. I once lived in my house for 2 years without realizing that my mom had an apple theme in the kitchen. To notice a woman’s theme is like asking if she lost weight. And to be able to make a purchase that compliments that theme, is even better. So when you add in the inexplicable costliness of candles, the noticing (i.e. thoughtfulness) of finding one that matches, and the raw decorativeness (uselessness) of a candle, you have the perfect gift.

Not counting diamonds of course. Shiny and expensive wins every time.